You know your friend hates you when…

You know your friend is a passive-aggressive coward who secretly hates you and indirectly wants to stab you in the back when he invites you over to his place when he’s sick and he only reveals this information upon your arrival.

It’s not that I think my friends really do secretly hate me.  Perhaps the reason they invite me over when they are deathly contagious is because they love me SO much that they want to spend their last moments on Earth with me. Like somehow, my presence will lift them out of their dreary state and bring to fruition their wildest dreams.  And double-bacon cheeseburgers. 

Perhaps I really should be flattered.  

But I’m not. 

Shouldn’t real friends have the decency to consider that I, too, have a life, and that I, too, would like to live my life free of unnecessary illness? 

Getting sick unleashes a very evil and hurtful domino effect of negativity.  If I get sick, I can’t go to work.  If I can’t go to work, I can’t teach my students.  If I can’t teach my students, they will inevitably fail.  If they fail, their lives will be ruined. POSSIBLY FOREVER.

Seriously.  No one can be THAT inconsiderate.  Especially people who are sweet and kind and magical and wonderful under normal conditions. Another theory must be considered.  And I think I’ve found it. 

(Or at least I’ve convinced myself of this obvious lie so that I can remain friends with certain individuals who would otherwise be considered DECEPTIVE AND COWARDLY INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLES)

Here goes.

So. It’s not that I really think my friends are evil.  No.  They are in fact, innocent and lovely beings who have become prey to a power much larger than them.  The only logical reason for their deception and inconsiderate invitations to their germ-incubation-nests is this: they have been possessed.  Satan has coerced them into wreaking biological warfare.  Because Satan has an illogical desire to spread misery. 

This is the only way I’ve been able to make sense of this otherwise senseless situation.

So please.  If you’re reading this blog, all that I ask is you heed this message.  Do not let yourself slide into the horrible Land of Failcakes.  Do not be a bad friend, neighbour, parent, or lover.  Be kind and if you are sick SAY NO TO SATAN. JUST. Say no.

The end.

Love, Sick Sharmycakes